With Mana and I off repainting Chroma City to the sound of funk, we leave you in the capable hands of our good friend Gee of the highly recommended (and award-winning) cryptozoologisceptic blog I Saw Elvis. Take it away, Gee:

Hi. Me again. With Mana’s recent return to the British Isles after – oh gosh – ages away (Gee Note: Upon her arrival, and like the true American she is, she followed in the footsteps of Kevin Costner in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves and made her Arab slave carry her bags while claiming she was the true heir of Nottingham city. Probably. I mean I wasn’t at the airport when she landed so I don’t know if that’s true or not. But it’s what I heard anyway.) I offered to do a guest editorial so that those crazy kids can enjoy some “alone” time. And by “alone” time I of course mean playing “Donkey Kong Rumble 7″ or something while they make fun of each other’s choice of footwear. Seriously that’s how they spend their time together. It’s like an episode of Terry and June. Except with more video games, and less talk about “Fire Extinguishers”.

Anyway I proposed the idea of filling some space on Gen-1 and felt good about myself for about half an hour, content in the knowledge that two more people will now be going “My, that Gareth is a swell guy. Maybe we should buy him a present?”. That was until the creeping sensation working its way up my spine arrived at the bottom of my brain and the realisation struck me that – OH GOD – I’ve now got to write something about videogames.

Maybe I could do something on Star Wars? After all E3 saw the first cinematic trailer for the new Star Wars: The Old Republic game (Gee Note: By the way have you seen how awesome that thing is? It’s like Luke Skywalker just had sex with my eyeballs). However having splurged all my best material on George Lucas’ Magnus Opus last time around, it would kinda feel like cheating to do the same stuff all over again.

Thankfully, as with most things in life, an afternoon in the pub provided me with the inspiration I needed. Having joined a gang of ne’er do wells to welcome the gorgeous Mana back, I struck up a conversation with two lovely comic book fans. It turns out that all of us were unhappy with the recent Wolverine movie, and I made the sweeping statement that Hollywood had simply forgotten how to make enjoyable, original summer blockbusters. My reasons were sound, that every other movie the studios churn out these days is either based on a comic book, a reboot of an already tired franchise, or a remake of a classic film. And while I was gently reminded that it’s not entirely the case it did plant a seed.

What if video games were to go the same way? Yes I know that the gaming landscape is pretty much dominated by sequels, but very rarely do you see a “re-imagining” of classic games in the same way cinema does. Instead you’re much more likely to find an old game ported to a brand new console on one of those “Seven million games that cost you £50 each at the time but now you can own them all for £12.99” disks. But what if… now stick with me on this… what if those classic video games were, instead of being stuck in and amongst a crowd, re-made for a modern audience.

And so with that in mind I’ve taken it upon myself to think of a handful of games that would deserve a bit of noughties sprucing up. Ladies and Gentleman allow me to introduce “Gee’s list of Top Three Videogames that will probably never be ‘re-imagined’ but if he ruled the world… oh baby… if he ruled the world…”.

1. Horace Goes Skiing (1982)

Original Format: ZX Spectrum
New Format: Nintendo Wii (Balance Board compatible)

The Original Version: Horace crosses a road to get some skis. Horace skis for a bit. Horace crosses the road to give the skis back.

The Re-Imagining : A troubled Horace is battling an addiction to food despite lacking an actual mouth to eat it with. This leaves him confused and depressed, and soon he finds solace in alcohol. Unable to drink his drug of choice he has to hire a nurse to inject regular doses into his oversized eyes. Soon this costly and reasonably silly practice leaves Horace broke and miserable. Down to his last $40 he decides to try and make it as professional skier for, er, no real reason. His sloping shoulders make him a natural however and he is spotted by some talent scouts. They sign him up to the SKI MASTERS INTERNATIONAL GOLD CUP OF AWESOMENESS where the current champion, an evil Russian named Boris, becomes insanely jealous of the brash newcomer and sabotages his attempt at winning a race. The player then guides Horace to the Mountain of Solitude were he must out do Boris on the slopes in order to win the GOLD CUP’s most prestigious prize, THE SILVER FEATHER OF DELIGHT. Should the player succeed they are treated to a firework show and a cut scene where Horace parties with some strippers.

2. E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (1982)

Original Format: Atari 2600
New Format: Xbox 360, PS3

The Original Version: E.T. goes down a pit. E.T. finds some junk that he puts toward building a contraption with which to “phone home”. E.T. goes down another pit and another until the contraption is finally built and mercifully it ends.

The Re-Imagining : A Xenomorph is minding his own business sailing through the night sky in his flying saucer when all hell breaks loose and he crash lands in Roswell, New Mexico. Despite the attention of government agents and army officials armed with walkie talkies, the Xenomorph somehow escapes and makes it all the way to Alamogordo, New Mexico, until it falls in to a pit once used by a famous video game company for dumping its rubbish in. Impressed with the advanced level of technology discovered in this veritable treasure trove, the Xenomorph sets about using the broken bits and bobs to reconstruct an Atari 2600 and a copy of it’s most famous game – E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial. Once this is done the Xenomorph somehow develops the ability of non mechanical flight and slowly starts to levitate towards the summit of the pit, hoping to take his newly acquired game console back to his homeworld where he will be lauded as a King amongst men. Just as he is about to escape for good he accidentally moves 0.0006 centimetres to the left – causing him to fall back down to earth in a painfully stunted and awkward fashion. This scene repeats itself over and over and over again for the next three hours. The game ends when the Xenomorph finally gets pissed off with it all, smashes the Atari 2600, and out of its ruins builds a sonic death ray with which he wipes out the human race.

3. Shaq Fu (1994)

Original Format: Super Nintendo, Sega Genesis
New Format: Xbox 360, PS3

The Original Version: Basketball player Shaquille O’Neal is chillin’ in downtown Tokyo waiting for an “All Star Charity Game” when for unknown reasons he walks in to a small Dojo. For even more unknown reasons a strange old man thinks that O’Neal has been sent to save his grandson who has been captured by a “Mumm-Ra The Everliving” knock-off. The old man then shows O’Neal a magical portal that makes even those of us who were trying to follow the plot by this point give up. Then Shaq fights a bunch of bad guys including a woodsman, a guy with some swords who may or may not be a prince, the old man, a blue collar worker who tells Shaq he would love to get him down the docks one day, The Devil who despite being both able reanimate corpses and the source of all evil isn’t the game’s final boss, before finally facing off against “Fake-Ra”. He then rescues the grandson after fighting him as well just for the hell of it, before heading off to his “All Star Charity Game”. Where I’m guessing he missed a free throw or seven. It is Shaq after all.

The Re-Imagining: Shaquille O’Neal is chillin’ in down town Tokyo when, for unknown reasons, he enters a small Dojo. The old man there walks up to Shaq and promptly kicks him in the balls. Eventually Shaq gets back up only for the old man to kick him in the balls again. This lasts for several hours. At the end of the game there is much rejoicing.

So there we have it. The definitive and comprehensive list of games that should be made over for these modern times. Maybe you disagree and think you can do better? If so, why not email your lists to Teph? He may not publish them, but if his inbox gets flooded it will annoy him and amuse me.

And really, who could ask for anything more?
- Gee