When did villains get so bad at what they do? And more importantly, how do they get help?
That’s a pretty broad reference. What do I mean? Surely I’m not referring to every single criminal in the world? Some are successful. We just don’t know about them. Are we talking about TRU TV’s World’s Dumbest Criminals? Are you referring to movie bad guys like the Empire (Star Wars variety), Klingons, and the Harkonnens? Or is it concerning literary villains like Cerci Lannister, Voldemort, and Sauron.
The answer is yes, all of the above. Honestly, you all suck at it.
But let’s start with the real life do-badders. Those are the ones that really need help. Most villains we hear about aren’t the brightest headlights on the highway. Anyone who watches NCIS or any Mark Wahlberg movie knows that it requires a PhD, eighty years of shared experience among a team of six (including a greaser), and a multi-million dollar bankroll to successfully rob a bank. And honestly, any sane person with those kinds of resources might as well just open a chain of Subways. It amounts to the same shitty hours anyway.
But not all villains do it for the money! (What? They don’t?) No, some do it to satisfy their psychopath tendencies. Or maybe some just like to kill people. Well, that could be true, but there are pills for that. You see, what most people don’t realize is that killing someone with a sword, or rending someone limb by limb is actually pretty time consuming and strenuous. It requires six pounds of pressure to tear a human being’s ear off. Imagine how much work and effort it’d be to remove an arm, let alone a leg. Just way too much work. Secondly, criminals are inherently lazy. If I wanted to be a hard working villain, I’d work in Wall Street. It’s the blue collared dumb villains who are often elegated to the flesh rending and the insane psychotic brutality which usually ends up on an episode of World’s Dumbest Criminals.
So it comes down to motivation and options. Is criminality still as worthy a career as it was back in its heyday during the Medieval Ages and right after the fall of the Roman Empire? Purely on a hourly basis, assuming ten percent standard deviation of course, a criminal makes as much money per hour as an author, just slightly below a teenager flipping burgers. And then you have to factor in risk management. After all, there has to be a dollar amount for having to live in a life of fear. What’s an aspiring villain to do?
Well, I’m here to offer you an opportunity. The Genjix are searching to expand their organization and have openings for roles for every degree of intelligence, skill, and talent. If you’re a villain who could see yourself making it onto World’s Dumbest Criminal, we have grunt jobs waiting for you to fill. If you think you have talent to run a multi-million dollar criminal organization, we say why don’t you join our executive trainee program and learn to conquer and run a small South American country instead? Not only do the Genjix offer great pay, medical and pension, we allow the common criminal who might otherwise in five years end up being someone’s girlfriend at the state prison to really achieve their true potential. So if you’re watching television right now pondering about robbing the gas station down the street, I say, why think so small? Let’s conquer a small oil-rich country instead and you can have all the gas you ever need! Sign up today!
When not plotting the subjugation of the free world, Wesley Chu can be found at his super-secret blog, Chu for Thought. You can read more about his forthcoming novels at Angry Robot Books.
